-Have you ever had your life for the next 18 months planned for you, only to have it ripped away?
-Have you ever felt like you would never, ever be enough?
-Have you ever felt totally abandoned?
-Have you ever felt like your life has no direction?
-Have you ever felt so opposite of beautiful you can't even comprehend the word?
-Have you ever put on a brave face around those you love because your true face would show the hurt hidden below?
-Have you ever felt so alone it almost hurts to breathe?
-Have you ever sat on the stairs in the rain crying at 2:00 in the morning?
i have.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Finding some direction
So I am finally finding some direction in my life. It has really helped me to be taking classes again. I love it so much! I never realized how amazing it truly is to be in class. I always took it for granted. And I still do in a way. Hopefully, I will keep working on my attitude towards school and life.
Anyways, updates on my back. It is coming along very. . . very. . . .slowly. I was hopeful after the kinesiologist and he is helping me. I am no longer in pain every single second of the day. But I still can't do a whole lot. Sitting for too long, especially without back support, kills me. The other day, I bent over and pushed a box and about died. I kind of set myself back too, by doing too much over a couple of weekends. But that is my fault. It is shows how much I need to be taking care of my back. I can't be doing just anything still. So I know for now, that the mission just isn't on the tables. I wouldn't be able to give it my all. I would have to be the weaker companion and would have to rest a lot. And I just couldn't do that! I'm still not throwing the idea completely out, but it definitely won't be August.
So when I came to this realization, I also realized I had some choices I needed to be making. My plan was always to go to BYU after my mission. So I am currently applying for BYU for the Winter semester starting Jan. '10. But here comes the question: Should I move up there when my contract comes up here in Cedar City in August or wait until January? I am really leaning towards going up in August. Then hopefully I could find a job and be working up there, while still taking some Independent Study classes, and then be able to slide right into to classes at BYU in January. It would just be easier to go up to Provo in August. I wouldn't have to sign a new contract here in Cedar and then have to break it in December. Plus hopefully I would be able to meet more people easier at the beginning of a new school year instead of just the new semester.
That is one reason I am scared to death of all of this. The moving to a new place and having to meet new people. I will be moving up there where I don't really know anyone. I have my friends here and am comfortable, but I know I need to be doing things that take me out of my comfort circle, no matter how scary it is to me.
So I will soon be going up to Provo to be searching for a good apartment. Please if anyone has any good suggestions, let me know!! I found one place that I love, but it's pretty pricey. So, kind of last resort. Hopefully not all of the good places are filled already. But yeah, give me some suggestions for apartments!! And if anyone has any tips of jobs in Provo or Orem, let me know on that too! Love you all!
Anyways, updates on my back. It is coming along very. . . very. . . .slowly. I was hopeful after the kinesiologist and he is helping me. I am no longer in pain every single second of the day. But I still can't do a whole lot. Sitting for too long, especially without back support, kills me. The other day, I bent over and pushed a box and about died. I kind of set myself back too, by doing too much over a couple of weekends. But that is my fault. It is shows how much I need to be taking care of my back. I can't be doing just anything still. So I know for now, that the mission just isn't on the tables. I wouldn't be able to give it my all. I would have to be the weaker companion and would have to rest a lot. And I just couldn't do that! I'm still not throwing the idea completely out, but it definitely won't be August.
So when I came to this realization, I also realized I had some choices I needed to be making. My plan was always to go to BYU after my mission. So I am currently applying for BYU for the Winter semester starting Jan. '10. But here comes the question: Should I move up there when my contract comes up here in Cedar City in August or wait until January? I am really leaning towards going up in August. Then hopefully I could find a job and be working up there, while still taking some Independent Study classes, and then be able to slide right into to classes at BYU in January. It would just be easier to go up to Provo in August. I wouldn't have to sign a new contract here in Cedar and then have to break it in December. Plus hopefully I would be able to meet more people easier at the beginning of a new school year instead of just the new semester.
That is one reason I am scared to death of all of this. The moving to a new place and having to meet new people. I will be moving up there where I don't really know anyone. I have my friends here and am comfortable, but I know I need to be doing things that take me out of my comfort circle, no matter how scary it is to me.
So I will soon be going up to Provo to be searching for a good apartment. Please if anyone has any good suggestions, let me know!! I found one place that I love, but it's pretty pricey. So, kind of last resort. Hopefully not all of the good places are filled already. But yeah, give me some suggestions for apartments!! And if anyone has any tips of jobs in Provo or Orem, let me know on that too! Love you all!
Monday, May 18, 2009
There is hope!
Well a couple weeks ago, I went to a homeopathic kinesiologist, Dr. Timothy Francis. Now let me tell you, this man is so arrogant, but he can do amazing things and one of those hopefully will be with my back. He told me that he thinks that he can have my back better in about 2 to 3 months! That would be very nice!
And there is more good news! I am officially moving back up to Cedar City! We figured out that even if I go back out to the mission I wouldn't be able to go until about August. So I can be up in Cedar for at least the summer. We have also looked into Independent Study throuh BYU and I am going to take a few credits to help me get closer to my degree! I am so happy to be getting back into classes! Never thought I would say this, but I miss being in school! Plus the best part is just that I am getting out from home! I will be on my own again! Finally!
Anyways sorry this is so short. I just wanted to write a quick update! Love you all!
And there is more good news! I am officially moving back up to Cedar City! We figured out that even if I go back out to the mission I wouldn't be able to go until about August. So I can be up in Cedar for at least the summer. We have also looked into Independent Study throuh BYU and I am going to take a few credits to help me get closer to my degree! I am so happy to be getting back into classes! Never thought I would say this, but I miss being in school! Plus the best part is just that I am getting out from home! I will be on my own again! Finally!
Anyways sorry this is so short. I just wanted to write a quick update! Love you all!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Oh, the wonderful life at home
Well I have had a lot of people asking me how come I'm home, how I'm doing, how my healing process is going, etc. So I decided to make a blog! This way, I can write it all out and people can come and check as they want.
So first off, on February 11th, 2009, I reported to the Provo MTC to serve a mission in the Minnesota Minneapolis mission, Spanish speaking. I absolutely loved the MTC! And I will put up another post that describes my experiences there, along with companions and such. But for now, my medical problems. Anyways, before I reported to the MTC, I had gone to London and Paris (I will put another post about that!) and when I got back, my back was in a lot of pain. I just figured it was out of place from all of the long flights. So I went to the chiropractor a couple of times before I went to the MTC and thought all was well. Well, within the first couple of weeks at the MTC, my back started acting up again. I just figured it was out of place again and was just kept saying to myself that if I could wait until I got to Minneapolis, I could go to a chiropractor and everything would be okay. So I put it off. One of my awesome roommates would try to pop it for me at night and I would just do whatever to try to make it feel better.
Well, then towards the beginning of March, it was getting worse. I started to have this shooting pain going down my thigh, every single time I would sit down. So my companion, Hermana Bird convinced me that I needed to go to the MTC doctor. So in I went to Dr. Brown. He was worried. Said that it was a sign of a disc in my back bulging out and pressing against a nerve. Well I convinced him to let me just try going to a chiropractor at first. So I was able to leave the MTC bubble and go off to a chiropractor. He did some work, but not much. Said he was afraid of "shocking my system." So I went back to Dr. Brown and talked to him again. He said that he could keep sending me to chiropractor, but I needed to be on the lookout for if my feet started to go numb. So, after that I started thinking back, and I realized that my feet were going numb while I was walking or sitting for awhile. So, Hermana Bird, once again, convinced me to go back to Dr. Brown and told him that I realized that my feet were going numb. So the very next day, I had an appointment with an MRI machine and then the next week, I had an appointment with Dr. Bacon, a back specialist. And I was scared. Dr. Brown mentioned the fact that this could lead to surgery and me having to leave my mission. I went back to my wonderful district and they ga gave me an amazing healing blessing, which comforted me, but put me on edge too because there were words said that led me to believe that there was a chance of me going home. This was the first time, the thought of going home hit me. My prayers at this point were, "Please just let me have a miracle so I can keep serving my mission."
So now, we hit my appointment with Dr. Bacon. I went into his office and had to sit for over two hours before I even was able to see the doctor (which is ironic, since sitting is what hurts the most!). So he come in and tells me that I have, not one, not two, but THREE bulging discs in my lower back. He asked me if I had been in any major accidents or falls in my life and I replied that I hadn't. So he told me that my back seems to be aging before me. It supposedly looks like a seventy-year-old man's back. So, he gave me a nice epidural with cortisone, right in my butt, and I was put into physical therapy and was scheduled to come back in in another two weeks. So for two weeks, I was in physical therapy at the BYU Health Center and I was hopeful!
Then, it went downhill. On Saturday, March 28, the pain got worse. I was put on Lortab and was told I needed to be on bedrest. Well, in order to be on bedrest, I had to be in my bed, in my room, and my companion had to be with me. Which meant, that she had to miss class too. That Sunday was fast Sunday. My wonderful family was having a family fast for me and my prayers had now turned to, "I know that I am in Thy hands. Help me to accept Thy plan for me." My branch president, President Suman sat me down on that Sunday and told me that the best decision for me at this point, was to go home to heal. At hearing these words, I just cried. I felt a rush of relief come over me. By this point, the thought of, "How can I keep going in this much pain for another 15 months??" was running through my head constantly and that remark calmed it. My mom had already received permission to meet up with me at my appointment with Dr. Bacon on that Tuesday, March 31st. So after lots and lots of praying, on Monday, I went and talked to my district president, who talked with my doctors, and was able to call my mom. I was able to talk with her and break the news that it looked like she would be bringing me home with her.
So that night, I packed everything and cried like crazy. I had made it 7 weeks in the MTC and loved it! I love the feeling and learning my Spanish. I loved my district and my zone! So it was hard. But I did it. On Tuesday, March 31st, I was officially released from the MTC and on Wednesday, April 1st, I was officially released as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
And this wonderful adventure has been one of the hardest trials I have been through in my life. I am now at home and not even sure what is happening in my life. I am going to physical therapy 3x/week and stretches every day at home. They were hopeful in the beginning that I could be back out on my mission in 2-3 months. Now, not so likely. My back is healing, but very, VERY slowly. My physical therapist now tells me that it will most likely be over 6 months before I can even think about going back out on my mission, if that is even what I am supposed to do.
Anyways, the bottom line is I am going a little crazy! Being 21 years old and stuck at your parents house, can drive you up the wall. Oh yeah, and my car died. So that doesn't help add to the whole trapped feeling. But I will be getting a new car in the next week, so that will help. But I still need something to be doing! I was thinking about taking up scrapbooking again and I am pretty excited about that, but I will need to buy some new supplies. But if anyone has any great ideas about any fantabulous projects, let me know! I would love you forever! But I am hoping to update this blog quite often, so you can all be updated on me! Love ya all!
So first off, on February 11th, 2009, I reported to the Provo MTC to serve a mission in the Minnesota Minneapolis mission, Spanish speaking. I absolutely loved the MTC! And I will put up another post that describes my experiences there, along with companions and such. But for now, my medical problems. Anyways, before I reported to the MTC, I had gone to London and Paris (I will put another post about that!) and when I got back, my back was in a lot of pain. I just figured it was out of place from all of the long flights. So I went to the chiropractor a couple of times before I went to the MTC and thought all was well. Well, within the first couple of weeks at the MTC, my back started acting up again. I just figured it was out of place again and was just kept saying to myself that if I could wait until I got to Minneapolis, I could go to a chiropractor and everything would be okay. So I put it off. One of my awesome roommates would try to pop it for me at night and I would just do whatever to try to make it feel better.
Well, then towards the beginning of March, it was getting worse. I started to have this shooting pain going down my thigh, every single time I would sit down. So my companion, Hermana Bird convinced me that I needed to go to the MTC doctor. So in I went to Dr. Brown. He was worried. Said that it was a sign of a disc in my back bulging out and pressing against a nerve. Well I convinced him to let me just try going to a chiropractor at first. So I was able to leave the MTC bubble and go off to a chiropractor. He did some work, but not much. Said he was afraid of "shocking my system." So I went back to Dr. Brown and talked to him again. He said that he could keep sending me to chiropractor, but I needed to be on the lookout for if my feet started to go numb. So, after that I started thinking back, and I realized that my feet were going numb while I was walking or sitting for awhile. So, Hermana Bird, once again, convinced me to go back to Dr. Brown and told him that I realized that my feet were going numb. So the very next day, I had an appointment with an MRI machine and then the next week, I had an appointment with Dr. Bacon, a back specialist. And I was scared. Dr. Brown mentioned the fact that this could lead to surgery and me having to leave my mission. I went back to my wonderful district and they ga gave me an amazing healing blessing, which comforted me, but put me on edge too because there were words said that led me to believe that there was a chance of me going home. This was the first time, the thought of going home hit me. My prayers at this point were, "Please just let me have a miracle so I can keep serving my mission."
So now, we hit my appointment with Dr. Bacon. I went into his office and had to sit for over two hours before I even was able to see the doctor (which is ironic, since sitting is what hurts the most!). So he come in and tells me that I have, not one, not two, but THREE bulging discs in my lower back. He asked me if I had been in any major accidents or falls in my life and I replied that I hadn't. So he told me that my back seems to be aging before me. It supposedly looks like a seventy-year-old man's back. So, he gave me a nice epidural with cortisone, right in my butt, and I was put into physical therapy and was scheduled to come back in in another two weeks. So for two weeks, I was in physical therapy at the BYU Health Center and I was hopeful!
Then, it went downhill. On Saturday, March 28, the pain got worse. I was put on Lortab and was told I needed to be on bedrest. Well, in order to be on bedrest, I had to be in my bed, in my room, and my companion had to be with me. Which meant, that she had to miss class too. That Sunday was fast Sunday. My wonderful family was having a family fast for me and my prayers had now turned to, "I know that I am in Thy hands. Help me to accept Thy plan for me." My branch president, President Suman sat me down on that Sunday and told me that the best decision for me at this point, was to go home to heal. At hearing these words, I just cried. I felt a rush of relief come over me. By this point, the thought of, "How can I keep going in this much pain for another 15 months??" was running through my head constantly and that remark calmed it. My mom had already received permission to meet up with me at my appointment with Dr. Bacon on that Tuesday, March 31st. So after lots and lots of praying, on Monday, I went and talked to my district president, who talked with my doctors, and was able to call my mom. I was able to talk with her and break the news that it looked like she would be bringing me home with her.
So that night, I packed everything and cried like crazy. I had made it 7 weeks in the MTC and loved it! I love the feeling and learning my Spanish. I loved my district and my zone! So it was hard. But I did it. On Tuesday, March 31st, I was officially released from the MTC and on Wednesday, April 1st, I was officially released as a missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
And this wonderful adventure has been one of the hardest trials I have been through in my life. I am now at home and not even sure what is happening in my life. I am going to physical therapy 3x/week and stretches every day at home. They were hopeful in the beginning that I could be back out on my mission in 2-3 months. Now, not so likely. My back is healing, but very, VERY slowly. My physical therapist now tells me that it will most likely be over 6 months before I can even think about going back out on my mission, if that is even what I am supposed to do.
Anyways, the bottom line is I am going a little crazy! Being 21 years old and stuck at your parents house, can drive you up the wall. Oh yeah, and my car died. So that doesn't help add to the whole trapped feeling. But I will be getting a new car in the next week, so that will help. But I still need something to be doing! I was thinking about taking up scrapbooking again and I am pretty excited about that, but I will need to buy some new supplies. But if anyone has any great ideas about any fantabulous projects, let me know! I would love you forever! But I am hoping to update this blog quite often, so you can all be updated on me! Love ya all!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)